Jon & Kate Plus Hate?

I really don't want to believe that Jon and Kate are having such severe marital problems, but who can tell anymore? I mean, marriage has always been work, but now it just seems like a joke. 

Some people are surprised when I react kind of poorly to the ideas of marriage and parenthood, but I resist them because they're so important to me. I would love to get married and have my own family, but I just don't know if there's a guy out there who would be good on his word for it. So for now, I just think, That would be nice, but it might not be meant for me. I like to be realistic.

Work gave me a headache. I hate when I can't get organized. I know I need to get better at delegating tasks to other people, but I really like my own work, which sounds kind of self-congratulatory. What can I say really? I trust myself to work hard. I know what I want, and since I'm me, I know I will do whatever I can to get it or make it happen.

I drafted a pretty lengthy to-do list on my lunch break and I think I will spend Memorial Day weekend attacking it.

Freedom is so close, I could squish it in my hands and get that very satisfying feeling of dough pushing out between my fingers. Okay, so that is a really weird comparison, but if you've ever done it then you know how cool it feels.

Anyway.

I hate when I've been under so much stress that by the time I actually get to relax, I can't calm down. I just get so wound up that I really have to remind myself that whatever was stressing me out is already over. It's like I go into extended self-preservation mode. I'm going to try to avoid that this week when finals are done because I'd really like to enjoy a night out with my best friend from high school.

Sometimes, I am amazed that we're still friends. I'm so glad we are, especially now. I never worry about her judging me for what I think or say because, for whatever reason, she's always on my side. I can't imagine how difficult that must be for her, as I am absolutely nonsensical sometimes. I also never have to think twice about her spilling my guts, if that makes sense. She doesn't use my life as fodder for gossip. She really, truly, actually just wants to be my friend.

So many things have been frustrating the shit out of me lately, but nothing so much as the way people treat me and talk to me. A lot of the time, I get the distinct impression that several people believe their lives are more significant than mine and that they expect me to believe this, too. And I guess it should come as no shock given where I live, but I am constantly surprised at how small and petty people can be. I suppose I should feel complimented by the pettiness of these personal attacks because they're obviously attempts to blow my faults and mistakes way out of proportion. If that's all anyone has to go on, then there's really nothing else to do except brush it off.

...and then she realized: they WERE all alike!

When it comes to dating, preliminary screenings are crucial. Unless of course, you want to waste your time.

Today, I ruled out two potential crushes that were barely on the radar to begin with. To be perfectly honest, it's been such a long time since I was actively interested in anyone that I wondered if I shouldn't just force an infatuation to make sure my emotions still work. Well, either my plan was useless or my emotions really don't work--or both--because it took virtually no time at all for me to lose interest.

Not that these guys aren't nice or interesting or moderately funny. They are, and I'm sure they'll both be exactly what someone else is after. As for me, I just didn't sense that remarkable spark, that little extra something that makes me think, "Yeah, I'm willing to put myself out there for this one."

Well, it's not a race to the finish anyway. I've sprinted through this area of life before and, as anyone might expect, it's left me winded and exhausted. I'm okay to go at my own pace now, thanks. But it is kind of too bad that no one's come up with a heartache inhaler to help you breathe again after it feels like your insides have been crushed.