Lone ranger.

I never believed I'd be saying this, but I can't wait to get back to school.

Something about this summer feels amiss. Now that I don't work at the store I helped to open and have since remained at or near for the last five years, something really feels off. I get the sense that I am being punished. No, I get the sense that I am in some type of limbo.

I don't know how to describe it. My life right now feels like I'm caught in a place between the past and the future, but it hangs above the present instead of being in it. I get the feeling that I should've moved on or I should be moving on now, but something is keeping me back, some "unfinished business." I know I'm not an actual ghost, but really, what's the difference if you're still haunting all the same places, going through the motions, and not knowing where to go next?

I want to move forward with my life--albeit in baby steps because I am greatly unsettled by sudden, huge changes--so I'm wondering if I shouldn't just be glad that I was more or less booted from my store? Why do I feel like God is saying, "Well, I knew you wouldn't leave of your own accord, so I had to push you out"? Even if that's true, which it is, it still doesn't seem fair. I like to be in control of what happens to me, even when it means that all I decide is to stay put. And yet, I'm not even sure how I call it a "decision to stay put" when the truth is that it's a failure to act due to paralysis from fear. I'm not as grown up as I like to think.

I ought to be embracing this new change and trying to see the opportunities in it, but it's hard to be positive. It's especially difficult when the word going around is that they didn't want me at my store anymore because I'm friends with everyone. I don't know exactly why that stings, but it does. On a professional level, it makes me feel like a failure for not maintaining strict boundaries like I guess I should have been doing all along. On a personal level, I feel lame because most if not all of my friends are from work and I haven't done much to leave work at work. And in general, I'm just kind of hurt and angry because I feel singled out, even though I'm not the only one guilty of fraternization. In fact, I'd argue that I'm the least of anyone's concerns. 

I'm worried. My passion for anything, including my job which I have clung to so closely for the last several years, is dwindling. Hanging out with friends is starting to feel forced and unnatural, like some kind of chore. I want to be alone almost all the time. I'm becoming a recluse.